A Comedian’s Guide to Breaking Up Amicably

Breaking Up Amicably: Because The Bachelor Isn’t Casting

Breaking up amicably? Sounds like a fairy tale, right? But hey, not every divorce has to be a courtroom cage match with a lawyer in each corner, ready to throw legal punches. Sometimes, it can actually be…civil. Shocking, I know. If you’re gearing up for a split and thinking, “How can we do this without turning into an episode of Jerry Springer?”—good news! Uncontested divorce is here to save your sanity and your wallet.

Step 1: Realize You’re Not Special

First, let’s get one thing straight: you’re not the first couple to call it quits, and you won’t be the last. So, no, your divorce doesn’t need to be the trial of the century. Forget the dramatic courtroom showdowns where someone screams, “I want the yacht!” Listen, if you’re fighting over the Crockpot, maybe it’s time to take a step back and re-evaluate. Uncontested divorce is for the folks who look at each other and think, “Yeah, we’re done, but we don’t hate each other enough to spend 20 grand proving it.”

Step 2: Agree to Agree

Here’s a wild idea: communicate. I know, it’s a revolutionary concept. But if you can sit down like adults and hash out who gets what (and who doesn’t have to deal with the cat’s hairballs anymore), you can skip the whole lawyer-laden drama. Uncontested divorce is like breaking up over text—quick, painless, and without the long, teary-eyed goodbye speech.

Step 3: Let Go of the Fantasy

Divorce isn’t the glamorous disaster reality TV makes it out to be. There’s no dramatic rose ceremony where one of you gets to stay and the other is sent packing. This is real life, not The Bachelor. You’re not auditioning for the next season of America’s Most Dysfunctional Exes. Just split up your stuff, sign the papers, and move on. Trust me, the drama isn’t worth it.

Step 4: Embrace the Boring Breakup

The beauty of an uncontested divorce is how mind-numbingly uneventful it is. No screaming matches, no last-minute courtroom theatrics, no “I’m taking the house, the dog, and your dignity.” Instead, you get to part ways with minimal fuss, like two coworkers who just finished a group project and never want to see each other again. It’s clean, it’s simple, and best of all, you can finally stop pretending to care about each other’s Netflix queues.

Step 5: Be Grateful for the Lack of Headlines

Look, if your divorce doesn’t end up as a viral TikTok or the subject of a Dateline special, you’re already winning. Breaking up amicably means you’ve dodged the public embarrassment of airing your dirty laundry. Nobody wants to be “that couple” who goes viral for throwing their wedding china at each other in court. An uncontested divorce is like a stealth mission—you’re in, you’re out, and no one even knows you were there.

Conclusion: Take the High Road (or at Least the Easy One)

Breaking up amicably isn’t just for the saints among us—it’s for the practical, the reasonable, and the people who would rather be binge-watching The Bachelor than starring in their own personal drama. If you and your soon-to-be-ex can agree to part ways without the chaos, you’ll save yourself a lot of stress and maybe even some fond memories.

Because, at the end of the day, you’re not here for the roses—you’re here to move on. And trust me, life on the other side of an uncontested divorce is a lot sweeter than being stuck in the endless reruns of your own relationship drama.